I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
