If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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