The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
