Jerry, you need to find god
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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