oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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