I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
