Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
