He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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