I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
3 2 1 whiskey
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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