i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
