Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
