ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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