Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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