So many bounce houses so little time
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
