These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
