It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
