The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
