Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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