I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
