Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
