you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
