Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
