My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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