How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
