the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
