just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
