dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
