he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
