She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
