I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The Olympian is in my bed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
