Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
