Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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