you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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