I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
