my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
send nudes
from the living room?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
