sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
