Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
