y did u give ur computer a hand job?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
