I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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