I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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