Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
