I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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