Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
