I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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