I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
