Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm just crazy horny about you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
