I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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