Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
