my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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