You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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