so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
