i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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