Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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