Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
