i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
